Well THAT Most Definitely Scared the Stuff Out of Me

I went to bed Saturday night, at a respectable blood sugar of 94. I wake up this morning and it takes me a minute to realize where I am. I most definitely was not at home in my bed. I was in the ER! Wait, what?? What the hell happened?? I didn’t remember ANYTHING. And that scared me more than anything. Apparently, my sugars crashed last night. (STILL trying to figure out what happened). So the story goes, I apparently dropped, and that didn’t wake me up. So I guess, I was starting to throw some punches and kicks and woke up my boyfriend. After he woke, he figured out what was going on, tested my sugar, and found me to be at 44. Verified that with another one, this time 40. Apparently I was completely out of it. And also not willing to cooperate. He tried to get me to take glucose gel, which even though it doesn’t taste bad anymore, I was still having none of it. My eyes were open, but I wasn’t there. He called my mom, who is about 5 minutes away, to come help. Keep in mind this is all about 430am-500am. After she got there, they discovered the emergency Glucagon was expired and that was it…in the car he plopped me and to the ER we went. I woke up very shortly thereafter and when I figured out after a minute where I was and what happened, I was scared. Not so much that I dropped. Not at all. It happens. But when it does, I KNOW that it happens. I feel it, I test, I treat and I’m good. Even if it is in the middle of the night, I somehow wake up on my own and am able to treat myself. I have NEVER had this happen to me, EVER. And that is what scared the crap out of me. I hadn’t had a CLUE of what happened, no recollection, nothing, nada, zip. The ONLY thing I could even possibly think of is that when I dropped, I was in that deep of a sleep, that I didn’t wake. But who knows. Maybe it was a fluke.
No new meds, same doses, same everything. I tested no less that I test on any given day. I didn’t do any more work than usual…Nothing…
After 16+ years of T1D, this is the first time this happened. I don’t guess that’s too bad. Hopefully it is the last.
I guess what bothers me the fact that I had to depend on someone else to take care of me, and today, to save my life. I’ve always been able to do this on my own if I had to. I’ve always had people there for me, but I did everything myself.
I am going to back Lantus down a couple units until I get to see my doc and level me out. I have been slightly lower than normal, but nothing to warrant this, at all.
I’ve been contemplating a CGM of some sort for a while now, and I think I am going to finally do it. This might have been the push I needed.
It just goes to show you, you can do everything right, follow every rule, and diabetes doesn’t always do the same for you. Just a little fairness is all I ask. But some days, like today, I think its just a little too much to ask.
And as silly as it might sound, I am actually scared to go to bed tonight.

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Okie Dokie Then….

So yeah, its been more than a little while since I have made myself sit down and get a post out. It’s the cliche “there’s just not enough hours in the day”. And somehow, it’s true, there truly just aren’t most days. Yeah, I know there are a lot of fellow PWDs with blogs out there that I enjoy following and actually do so on a fairly regular basis. Believe you me, I know they are a lot busier than I am. I just find it amazingly hard to make myself stop and take time for ME to get my thoughts, emotions and everything else in my life with insulin dependent diabetes.
The holidays went by fairly well. My sugar’s behaved as well as I could expect. More normal results that abnormal ones.
I did get to have my honey home for both Christmas and New Year’s, which is the first time we have had both together in the 10+ Christmas holiday seasons that we have been together. That was a gift in itself, truly. But my actual present from him was just as good. He gave me a car. My FIRST car that was actually mine, all mine. Still, almost two months later, I still can’t believe it. No, it wasn’t a new car, it was his car that he gave to me when he bought a new car for himself (which I didn’t know about until I was given his as my gift). At any rate, it is new to me and I could care less that it’s used. At least I know who the owner was and how well it was taken care of, etc. etc. He teased me about it for weeks and apparently had been planning it for months. He would give me hints, all without telling a lie, and always keeping me in the dark. “It will all make sense when you get your present.” OK…I got “it’s something you truly truly want, but would never ever ask for”. Well all this was true when I finally opened a small wrapped box, that had been filled with a weight to really throw me off, and saw the car keys. I can honestly say that I was completely surprised and totally in shock and awe. Everything I was being given as hints finally did fall into place. So I spent Christmas shopping for insurance and looking into title, registration and all that other legal crud, then after that I made it mine. Legally and literally. I “girled it up” a little bit. I didn’t go over the top…at least not yet. A license plate cover, a touch here, a touch there and it is finally something I can say that is mine.
Not too long after Christmas, he went back off to, immediately after I get the flu and am down with that for several days, but was still not feeling back to normal for a couple weeks. By blood sugars sure knew I was sick, which I knew they would. I knew why they would jump and hover where I didn’t want them to be, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept. I am one that wants to keep my numbers as close to “normal” as I can be. So seeing my number climb even though I was doing everything correct, I never did anything I shouldn’t have, was extremely frustrating to say the least. Eventually I starting feeling better and numbers finally started to normalize. I finally was no longer ticked off at my body for being sick…and life goes on.
So about a month later and we are approaching the almighty commercial holiday that is Valentine’s. Something that honestly we never really celebrated, and I am totally fine with that. I made no plans other than to get him maybe a little box of candy for the day he came home from work (actually V-Day itself). When off to work he goes today and asks me when Valentine’s is…um ok….”it’s next Thursday, the day you come home”…”OK good, I already got your present.”… Seriously? We don’t do Valentine’s…I love buying gifts for people, but this isn’t one we normally do. So off I go this weekend to shop…don’t mind that either by the way ūüôā
O well…I think I’ve been all over the place tonight and had filled in the last couple months nicely. Hopefully I can plant myself down here in before another two months go by.

Another Day, MD appt,Hypotensive and Tachycardic..and haven’t STARTED Christmas shopping AHH!!

I am wide awake, should be in bed. 515am comes mighty quick after all. I am running on not a lot of sleep last night. Any my brain won’t give me a rest.

My blood sugars have been pretty good so I am satisfied with that. Monday was a normal day as normal can be for a T1 diabetic. Tuesday, I wake to realize my pulse is racing. I check it with my blood pressure monitor and is nearly 140. Freaked out to say the least.

I get ready and go to work as calmly and quietly as I could. At work, I can’t concentrate, paranoid because my pulse is still so high. All of my coworkers were trying to get me to go to the ER, but as stubborn as I am, I of course did not. I choose to go home and lay in bed. I relax all day, hard to do as I NEVER leave work like that. At any rate, I had called and made an appt. to be seen the next morning. I get by the night and go in for my appointment. The med assistant tells me my pulse is 76…no offinse, but I can take my pulse and it is nearly double, By the time the doc comes in, I tell her there is no way it is 76. I can feel my heart, and I can count by the way too. She says, no..you are sittng at about 124. Plus I have a fever and and FREEZING..I mean shivering cold. Not that I was happy I was right, but a heart rate is not rocket since to calculate. Any ways, I digress. After labs and a once over, it seems by blood pressure medication that I was put on (for protection of my kidneys, I do not have or have never had high blood pressure) was making my BP drop. I also knew this b/c I had been checking it when I was checking my pulse all day the day before. So my BP drops and my heart trys to compensate. Honestly, that is what I was figuring, but I rather hear it from the professional.
Labs came back mostly normal…no infection, etc. However labs turn up that I am anemic. Yay. At least I know why I am tired and forever cold (part of the reason anyway) Low BP will do it too. Seriously, people on my office will have desk fans on them, me I have a jacket or two on.
Well at least the reason why my heart was going nuts and the reason why I was cold has a reason, and a fix that we are tweaking with my meds. ** Who would have thought that I would be on more medications in my 30’s than my grandmother in her 80’s.**

Same night, my honey has to go back to work. So I always hate that. First I just hate when he leaves. Yeah, I am one of these odd women who wants to be with her man everyday. So he leaves for work, and in the middle of the night. I NEVER sleep the night he leaves, I guess I worry a lot, but I can’t stand him not being there by me in bed. So I didn’t sleep that night, then yesterday was just a crap day at work. No matter what you do, it’s not right or its not good enough or its just all around your fault. Needless to say by the time I got home, I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I just broke down. I have to realize work is not my life and I have a life outside of that place. It can not make you feel like this. I just have to remind myself that, no matter how hard it is. Didn’t sleep well last night either, I guess because the whole work fiasco of that day. I let stuff bother me too much. And here I am tonight. Just plain can’t sleep so here I sit.

Now the last, yeah right, thing on my mind right now. Christmas has crept up like you wouldn’t believe, just as it does every year apparently. I don’t have a lot of people to buy for. Usually my mom, a few close family members and of course my boyfriend. I have a few ideas of what I can get for him. He is usually hard to buy for, and I always want to get him anything he wants. He’s the type that has everything he wants. He wants something, he can afford it and he gets it. Makes my job a little hard. Anyway, I will have to get all of that done by the time he gets back from work a little before Christmas. I can do it, I always do. Somehow.

So if my brain will slow, as well as my heart, I am going to attempt to sleep again. All i can do is try. That’s all I can ask of myself in any respect of all my aspects of life.
OK getting a tiny bit deep. I shall end this here. Here’s to a good day FRIDAY tomorrow, of good blood sugars, blood pressures and heart rates. I don’t think that asking too much! ūüôā

Mini Meltdown

I guess I kind of went against my own “words of wisdom” when after saying, don’t let the little things get you down, I did.

I guess it was more of a bunch of little things that just all came to a point.¬† It was, “look at all these different types of oreos, and look at these marshmallows. they are square to fit on a cracker…”¬† Then made and ate in front of me a mini chocolate cake.¬† All of this was in the course of one afternoon.¬† Starting with going out to dinner at one of our favorite go-to’s, that turned out to be the worst experiences we ever had there.¬† This is always a place that is awesome.¬† So that started the pile o’ straws that would break me that day.¬† After getting home from eating, we stopped at the store.¬† This started¬†the “look at all the stuff you shouldn’t eat” montage.¬† Then finally ending with nice, sweet. rich chocolate cake being consumed in full smelling range.¬† Don’t get me wrong, I am fine with someone eating something I can’t.¬† I’ve done it my whole life and it never really bothered me.¬† Still doesn’t.¬† BUt something about it that day, I couldn’t take anything else being put in my face that I knew I couldn’t have.

So I broke down like a child.¬† I got asked something, or something was said to me, at this point I don’t even remember.¬† And at that moment, I just started bawling like I haven’t in years.¬† Maybe it wasn’t everything that happened, thats just what put me over the emotional edge.¬† It was one of those events that I couldn’t catch my breath because I was hyperventilating.¬† And in 5 minutes it was over and I couldn’t reason with myself why I was so upset.

And as I think back at it and any other mini meltdown that occurs, I do know that it wasn’t and never is any one thing that upsets me.¬† I realize how emotionally, physically, mentally draining and it is ok to have moments when its ok to not be so happy happy joy joy.¬† Here’s to a better today, tomorrow, and on and on.

And we’re off…

So I wanted to start a blog.  I have recently been finding a lot of encouragment out there in the online communities of those also living with this disease.  And if anyone out there can feel any less isolated or realize they are not so alone after all, then I can deal with that. 

So a long story short about me.¬† I was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 14.¬† Insulin Dependent right from the get-go.¬†¬†The¬†week I was diagnosed, I was put in the hospital for a couple of days to stabilize of course.¬† Well in those few days, I missed my first days of high school.¬† Just devastating at the age of 14.¬† Brand new school, whole new peer group, scary enough as it is.¬† Then I had to deal with having this new and not so exciting thing to have to deal with.¬† I was just learning to manage my illness, taking shots, checking blood sugars.¬† Nothing was more awkward to me than being a new kid in a new school, having to leave class to have to go into the bathroom stall before meals to test my blood sugar.¬† I felt so alone and isolated.¬† Noone knew what diabetes was,wasn’t this something older people dealt with.¬† Not a young teenager.¬† And I was the most timid, introverted young girl I knew.¬†¬†I had only a couple of friends through high school and never had any guys interested in me, or so I thought at least.¬† More on that later.

Well I got through high school,¬†having to switch schools only once, yeah did the whole new school, new peers, etc, etc, all over again.¬† I will say during the first¬†2-3 years i did pretty good, I was the ideal patient.¬† I did¬†everything I was supposed to do.¬† Then I fell of the angel diabetic wagon.¬† I still took my meds, I never¬†drank sodas or ate anything I really shouldnt have, but I just didn’t care to have to deal with it anymore.¬† I has a lot a bad stuff going on in my home life, and this was the last thing I wanted to have to deal with and be responsible for.¬† I¬†hardly ever checked my sugars, didnt eat lunch half the time, usually went to¬†the library to get on the net.¬† So anyway, after I graduated high school, I went¬†from part-time to full-time at my job.¬† Mostly an office job, so at the time,¬†everyone wanted to order lunch out every day.¬† I didn’t care what I ate, I just ate wherever and whatever¬†everyone else was ordering fron.¬†¬†Over several years, I got myself upwards of 180 pounds.¬† Still never really cared.¬† Home life was still crap and I let it affect me.

Three years after high school go by and I am online chatting with one of the few guys that ever actually talked to me in high school.  I was the summer before his senior year of college.  At any rate, we started handing out and by the end of the summer, we were dating.  I dropped almost 50 pounds, because lets face it, I now had a reason to give a crap about myself again.  I had to love me too.

Fast forward 10 years, and we are still together, as happy as ever.  I, still with my same job, moved up the ladder a bit, and happy with my life right now.  He gives me a kick in the butt when I need it and always gives me a should to cry on when I have a bad day with my sugars or anything else for that matter.  He is my rock, my best friend, and my love.

So today, I’m 30, taking the best care of myself than I have since I was 15.¬† I’ve have had this now for more than half my life and frankly don’t remember life before it.¬† But now, for the first time in a long, IT does NOT HAVE ME.

More on my daily struggles, successes and everything in between to come.¬† Don’t let the little things in life get in the way of the bigger, better things.¬† ūüôā